A BETTER WAY OF LIVING

I remember saying that to myself on more than one occasion after my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.  It became noticeably clear that as the disease progressed, my mother would need someone to take care of her.  That someone would be me.  No doubt.  No question.  Of course, I loved my mother and would do anything in the world to help her, without hesitation.   However, I needed answers to some questions. What is a primary family caregiver? What are the duties and responsibilities of a primary family caregiver for an Alzheimer’s patient? What is required of me to perform those duties and responsibilities? The idea of me becoming a primary family caregiver seemed very overwhelming.

In the beginning, a primary family caregiver helps their loved one with various activities of daily living, as needed. A primary family caregiver also may be required to make decisions on behalf of their loved one. There is no set list of duties for everyone. Caregiving responsibilities are unique to the needs of the person requiring assistance and will change over time. Despite my nagging fear of entering unfamiliar territory, my heart knew for a fact what my mind could not process.  Yes, I would become my mother’s primary family caregiver.  The question was never ‘would’ I do it.  The question was always ‘how’ I would do it.  I felt very inadequate and unsure of how to identify, prioritize, and prepare for the responsibilities of a primary family caregiver.  This was scary and stressful because I wanted to give my mother the best care that I possibly could.  I did not want to mess up by not doing something that I did not know to do. Neither did I want to do something that was well intentioned but not in her best interest.  What are the right things to do?  Where do I begin?  How can I find out?

Have you had similar thoughts?  Do you feel overwhelmed?  That is not uncommon.  Really, that is where most first-time caregivers of loved ones with Alzheimer’s begin.  As a matter of fact, everyday can be a learning day, no matter how long you have been on the journey.  We never stop learning.  So, get used to learning new skills and strategies that will help you every day.  You will discover skills and talents that you may not have been aware that you have.  Yes, of course, there will be situations that do not work out like you want.  You may sometimes feel like a failure.  That is inevitable. You will live through it.  It is not necessarily a reflection of the quality of care that you provide.  Sometimes, situations happen that are beyond our control and/or knowledge base.  When that happens, be willing and open to learning new information and new ways of doing things.  After experiencing what seems to be an epic failure, search for and embrace the positive lessons.  Dismiss the negative thoughts and negative self-talk.  Plan and visualize how you will handle that situation the next time it happens.  Consider how you can apply these new lessons to other situations, as well.  Applaud yourself for learning about solutions that will help you obtain better caregiving results in the future.  That builds your confidence and quiets your doubts.

Yes, you can become an awesome primary family caregiver.  Yes, you.  Despite any fear of the unknown and unforeseen challenges, you can rise above it all.  With love, compassion, determination, and a willingness to learn and apply new skills, you will do fine.  Be kind to yourself.  You are not alone. There will be others to support you along your journey. I certainly would like to be in that number. I believe in your ability to overcome this challenge. Go forth and conquer!